Addressing Kid Issues as the "Step Mom"

and How to Approach Your Spouse

We have all seen Disney movies. You know, the ones where the evil stepmother is so mean to the kind and loving child who has a heart of gold and can sing to birds and mice? Yea, that is what stepmom has been categorized as for the last six decades. Frustrating, right? 

Fast forward in my own life, a divorce, and a re-marriage later, I am now the sstepmomBlending a family has a massive set of challenges that cannot possibly all be addressed in one single post...so stay tuned here. However, one of the most controversial issues in our home is approaching my spouse when an issue arises regarding my stepchildren. 

Being a teacher, I see many things in kids that their own parents do not see. Understanding this concept, when my husband sees things in my girls that I do not see (most of the time), I don't get too upset. Address the issue, try to make it better, and move on.

Reasons for Potential "Bad Feelings"

1. Husband has "Standard Visitation."

Many men who only have standard visitation with their own children but spend most of the time with their wives ' children may feel some resentment, especially when you bring up frustration with one of their children. Because their time with their own children is so limited, they may feel like you're picking on their kids, or it may simply be an issue of not wanting to discipline since their time is so short. 

2. Husband Doesn't Believe What You are Saying

Sometimes, you see actions or traits about other children that are recognizable simply because kids act differently around those that are not their parents. For example, my high school students may use language or act unacceptably at home because they are in an environment where mom and/or dad are not present. Sometimes, you see something the bio-parent does not, and they simply refuse to believe it (i.e., being malicious, mean, playing the system, or disrespectful) because they don't see their child capable of those behaviors. 

3. The Dynamic Changes in the Home

Unfortunately, the reality of your stepchild/children coming into the family home when they do not live there regularly will present a dynamic shift, no matter how hard you try! The bio-parent may feel pressure to make sure that everything stays the same as when they are not there, but that won't happen. Why? Because chances are, the children live by a different set of customs, rules, and norms in their other home. Everything from what behavior is acceptable, to cleanliness, to the food eaten, bath times, and so on can be different. 

4. The "Everything Needs to be the Same" Myth/Belief

News flash! EVERYTHING WILL NOT BE THE SAME! For example, your husband's children have a significantly higher allowance at their other parent's home, but your children have a lower allowance. Different homes = different rules. Another example is stuff in the closet. Amount of clothing or the children that live with you full time vs. how much clothing the other children have that visit every other weekend. This technically isn't "equal" looking, but it is based on the necessity of the situation. There is a vast difference between what is equal and what is fair. Equal is everything gets the same, but fair means each child gets what they NEED. 

Addressing the Child

There are several things that you need to make sure that you do or do not do when addressing your stepchild. This is an area where the bio-parent can quickly become defensive or irritated. Addressing each situation with care will certainly help your relationship. 

1. Do NOT Address Major Issues on Your Own!

If there is a significant issue, do not address it on your own. I will give you an example of something that happened in our home. My daughter and step-son got into a heated argument where there was pushing and name-calling involved. They are within a year of each other in age and always feel the need to one-up each other. Both got their feelings hurt, and BOTH were in the wrong for putting hands on each other. My husband and I each felt the instinctual need to defend our own children.

Lesson learned in hindsight, we should've sent each child to their respective spaces so my husband and I could discuss the issue and how to handle it (which we have done since in other situations). 

2. Address disrespect 

Being a teacher, it is an immediate reaction to put down disrespect immediately. My husband, on the other hand, does not always see something as being disrespectful. If you see any children in your home giving disrespect to you or your spouse, call it out immediately. Not calling it out sets precedence in your home that it is okay or they think you don't notice and can get away with it. 

3. Do NOT be the Main Disciplinarian...& Don't Let Your Spouse Be Either

First of all, if you become the primary disciplinarian to your stepchild, you ultimately will not have a good relationship. Your place is to support them and to build and grow that relationship into something positive. If you are always riding them for little things, you will build resentment and frustration. On that same note, do not allow your spouse to be the primary disciplinarian in your home because you want them to have a positive relationship with their children that they don't often see as well as yours who are in the home the majority of the time. 

How to Approach Your Spouse

1. Approach With Care

First of all, be very cognizant of what you are saying and how you are saying it. We have all heard the "It isn't WHAT you said, it's HOW you said it." 

2. Do NOT Approach an Issue Through Text

Building on the last point: many things can be taken out of context in a text message. You may write something thinking it sounds one way, but it is aggressive or judgemental to the reader. This immediately causes bad feelings and more than likely leads to an argument. If you need to notify your spouse of an issue and feel like the issue is pressing, simply say text, "Hey, there was an incident that I would like to talk to you about later." 

3. Do NOT be Accusatory

Even if your spouse's child is in the wrong about something, come in giving specifics about what happened, rather than coming in with an accusatory tone. I cannot express to you enough that TONE is EVERYTHING! 

What to do When Your Spouse Gets Defensive

If your spouse is the one who only sees their children every other weekend, they will likely feel defensive when you address an issue. This likely has nothing to do with you and entirely to do with the fact that they don't want to spend their limited time with their children addressing issues. However, issues are issues, and they need to be addressed regardless of the amount of time a child is in the home. 

Does this mean you need to have some grace and patience with your spouse? YES! Does this mean it is okay for your spouse to come off like they need to defend their children from you? NO! You are NOT the enemy, and you both are on the same team. This is something that you should lead with for sure. Remind your spouse you aren't there to condemn but address things together like a team and provide a united front in the home.